New From The News

Sorry for the scarce posting this week. To make it up to you, here’s a story about a five-year-old incapable of eating.

Keaton Foale, suffers from congenital disorder glycosylation type two, which affects just one in 135 million people.

Any food that goes into his stomach is instantly rejected.

His condition was diagnosed when he was just three-months-old.

Doctors have fitted a special feeding tube that delivers a special high-calorie milk mix to his stomach four times a day in 50 minute sessions.

He will have to wear it for the rest of his life.

TGIF, am I right? Awww this week has been so stressful, y’know? I couldn’t find a parking space at the mall, and ugh. You know how it is.

Read the Story.

I’m going to hunch that George Clooney will be involved when this thing becomes a movie. There isn’t really any connection, he just seems like he’s in a lot of these kinds of things.

The remains of Adolf Hitler were burned in 1970 by Soviet KGB agents and thrown into a river in Germany on direct orders from the spy agency’s chief, a top Russian security official said this week.

The head archivist of Russia’s Federal Security Service (FSB) — the successor to the former Soviet Union’s KGB — confirmed for the first time the chain of events that led to the disposal of Hitler’s body, and who ordered the operation, in an exclusive interview with Russia’s Interfax news agency.

The debate over what to do with Hitler’s remains… Probably the fastest occurrence of Godwin’s Law in history.

Read the Story.

Looks like we don’t need that third Men in Black movie after all. Not that we don’t appreciate the galaxy defending.

They’re the good guys dressed in black. Remember that. Just in case you ever face to face and make contact.

Russia’s defense ministry said a Bulava missile was launched Wednesday by a nuclear submarine submerged in the White Sea and its third stage suffered an unspecified failure.

Photographs and amateur video footage of the bluish-white in the Norwegian skies have been circulating on the Internet since Wednesday. The ministry did not confirm that these lights were the result of the failed launch but military analysts said the lights were clearly a result of the explosion of the Bulava missle.

When reached for comment, people who believe in aliens and weren’t going to have their minds changed no matter what said, “Fuck that noise. That shit was like… Galaxy Quest status. Galaxy Quest status, yo.”

Read the Story.

Look out, McGruff. You’ve got your work cut out for you. Make no… bones… about it.

Even with stores desperate to make every sale they can this holiday season, there’s one type of customer that merchants don’t want at all: Shoplifters.

The bad news this year is that most stores are at a greater risk of losing their merchandise to thieves.

Experts say it’s an unfortunate side effect of the recession.

Only the one type of unwanted customer? What about arsonists? Or naked dudes who mumble? Or hipsters who walk the aisles playing with the toys, all while exhibiting a dangerous level of being nonplussed with everything?

Seems to me like there’s a whole spectrum of unwanted customers. Maybe don’t be so quick to single out one brand of asshole.

Read the Story.

This is the biggest thing to hit snowball fights since Snow Day taught everyone you can inject jelly into a clump of frozen water. Little known fact I just made up: Snow Day is Tarantino’s favorite of all the possible Pam Grier references. Yep. She was in that.

Rules were made to be frozen!

Thousands of students gathered on Bascom Hill to participate in a snowball fight. The facebook group started only 2 days ago and had over 6000 members as of a few hours ago. Students had shields and water balloon launchers. Two dormitory areas of campus competed against each other. The Lakeshore dorms defeated the Southeast dorms after about an hour and a half of battle.

Keep in mind that this is one of those iReport things. So… Trust this story as much as you trust some guy on the Internet telling you things happened.

Read the Story.

It’s official. Barack Obama is now the proud owner of a medal, and an amount of money that a guy who knows how to play Deal or No Deal could accomplish.

“I receive this honor with deep gratitude and great humility,” he said. “It is an award that speaks to our highest aspirations — that for all the cruelty and hardship of our world, we are not mere prisoners of fate. Our actions matter, and can bend history in the direction of justice.

“And yet I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the considerable controversy that your generous decision has generated. In part, this is because I am at the beginning, and not the end, of my labors on the world stage.”

Obama said his accomplishments are “slight” in comparison to previous recipients of the prize, and that other nominees may be more deserving.

He added, “But, I won. So, suck it! Obama out!” Then he dropped the mic and peaced.

I might be confusing reality with my imagination again…

Read the Story.

This video of the kid who stole his grandmother’s car is old, but new to me. So don’t jump my bones over it, Internet.

It features a seven-year-old saying, “Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends.”

You’re welcome.

Watch the Video.

Diabetes isn’t just for major holidays anymore.

The store, which beckons Peeps fans from outside with bright yellow awnings and chick-shaped door handles, sells more than just candy creations. Visitors will find approximately 850 Peeps-themed items ranging from oversized plush toys shaped like the candy, to more refined items—like one-of-a-kind Peeps-themed artwork and china made by the 130-year-old tableware maker, Lenox.

And, of course, there will be candy. Each of the candies made by the Bethlehem, Pa. based company Just Born—including Peeps, Hot Tamales, Mike and Ike and Peanut Chews—will have their own designated sections in the permanent store. The store will also feature seasonal candies, like the Valentine candy hearts and candy Christmas trees.

If you buy Peep-themed artwork… Look, just don’t buy Peep-themed artwork. Save everybody who loves you a lot of time working out the best way to intervene.

Read the Story.

Looks like if hump day goes awry, you’re still good to go.

The Senate on Tuesday rejected an effort by abortion opponents to tighten restrictions in the health care overhaul bill on taxpayer dollars for the procedure, but it was unlikely to be the last word on the divisive issue.

…

The Senate vote — hailed as a victory by abortion rights supporters — could complicate prospects for President Barack Obama’s health overhaul.

It’s unclear whether Reid can pass his bill without the votes of Democratic abortion opponents. Seven Democrats supported the stiffer restrictions, while two Republicans — Maine Sens. Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe– voted with the Democrats. In the House, anti-abortion Democrats have threatened to vote against any final bill that dilutes the restrictions already approved in their bill.

Man, people are probably really excited or really pissed about this. Or, at least, they would be. If anyone actually thought this thing would ever get the fuck done.

I mean, come on. It’s not like we invaded healthcare. We’re allowed to put a deadline on this.

Read the Story.

This story is not fierce grape, but it did give me a bit of a riptide rush. Is anyone else cold? It feels like an antarctic freeze in here. Orange.

As new reports of alleged extra-marital affairs continue to surface, Gatorade announced Tuesday that it would discontinue its Tiger Woods sports drink.

Gatorade says the decision to drop Woods’ product was made “months ago” and has nothing to do with the recent public events involving the embattled golf star.

In an official statement released Tuesday, the company said: “We decided several months ago to discontinue Gatorade Tiger Focus along with some other products to make room for our planned series of innovative products in 2010. We hope to share more about our 2010 plans soon.”

I guess the only question left isfdpsiogj Whoa. Sorry. This neon sweat is making my fingers slippery. Hard to type.

Read the Story.